Courtroom Humor

"Courtroom Humor"

Fortunately, even amidst the tragic drama and injustice prevailing in our courts today, there are also moments of classic hilarity. So fasten the seat-belts on your Lazy-Boy and read on...

Following are thirty transcripts culled from several Court Recorders tapes. They are real dialogues that actually took place between court officials and various witnesses, defendants, plaintiffs, etc. It's true... I swear!!! It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!

1. Question: What is your date of birth?

Answer: July fifteenth.

Question: What year?

Answer: Every year.

* * * * *

2. Question: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Answer: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * *

3. Question: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Answer: Yes.

Question: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Answer: I forget.

Question: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

* * * * *

4. Question: How old is your son... the one living with you?

Answer: Thirty-eight or thirty-five...I can't remember which.

Question: How long has he lived with you?

Answer: Forty-five years.

* * * * *

5. Question: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

Answer: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Question: And why did that upset you?

Answer: My name is Susan.

* * * * *: 6. Question: And where was the location of the accident?

Answer: Approximately milepost 499.

Question: And where is milepost 499?

Answer: Probably between 498 and 500.

* * * * *

7. Question: Sir, what is your IQ?

Answer: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

* * * * *

8. Question: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Answer: After the accident?

Question: Before the accident?

Answer: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

* * * * *

9. Question: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?

Answer: We both do.

Question: Voodoo?

Answer: We do.

Question: You do?

Answer: Yes, Voodoo.

* * * * *

10. Question: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Answer: Yes.

Question: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

Answer: Yes, sir.

Question: What did she say?

Answer: "What disco am I at?"

* * * * *

11. Question: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

* * * * *

12. Question: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

* * * * *

13. Question: Were you present when your picture was taken?

* * * * *

14. Question: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

* * * * *

15. Question: Did he kill you?

* * * * *

16. Question: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

* * * * *

17. Question: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

* * * * *

18. Question: How many times have you committed suicide?

* * * * *

19. Question: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Answer: Yes.

Question: And what were you doing at that time?

* * * * *

20. Question: She had three children, right?

Answer: Yes.

Question: How many were boys?

Answer: None.

Question: Were there any girls?

* * * * *

21. Question: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

Answer: Yes.

Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?

* * * * *

22. Question: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

Answer: I went to Europe, sir.

Question: And you took your new wife?

* * * * *

23. Question: How was your first marriage terminated?

Answer: By death.

Question: And by whose death was it terminated?

* * * * *

24. Question: Can you describe the individual?

Answer: He was about medium height and had a beard?

Question: Was this a male or a female?

* * * * *

25. Question: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Answer: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

26. Question: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Answer: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

* * * * *

27. Question: All your responses must be oral, Okay? What school did you attend?

Answer: Oral.

* * * * *

28. Question: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Answer: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

Question: And Mr. Denning was dead at the time?

Answer: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

* * * * *

29. Question: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

* * * * *
30. Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Answer: No.

Question: Did you check for blood pressure?

Answer: No.

Question: Did you check for breathing?

Answer: No.

Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Answer: No.

Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Question: But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?

Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

* * * * *
Having thus restored the public faith in our judicial and bureaucratic process I bid you all remember: "Where there is humor, there is hope!"

RHB - Nov. 1999

Counter Force Press


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All Written Materials Copyright, 1997,1998,1999 Robert H. Brevig
All Rights Are Reserved, Without Prejudice.
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